Thursday, August 29, 2013

dear you,

I wrote this to you once:


I crave the stains of after love, the bitterness of your finger prints on my arms and shoulders where you had sunk them into, clutching too tightly, but never tight enough. 

My darling, I still mean it. And I feel it. Now more than ever. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

dear you,

5 days 14 hours and 43 minutes
is how long we've been apart.

and already i crave your insistent mouth,
pressing itself against my gasping soul.

i miss you.
and that translates as this:
i am plunging into the familiar abyss
with enough force
to shatter every single bone
in my body.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Dear you,

You ruined me. And I hope you know that.

You throw my entire soul into confusion. I was born in the darkness, I thrived in the darkness. I fed on melancholy and depression but the few months that we had been together you denied me my occasional dose of dysphoria. These few months were the happiest I had ever been, and I had never known such happiness.  You were my prozac with yet unknown side effects and I knew that I shouldn't get too attached, but I was never really that good with moderation when it comes to love.

But all that was good and well when we were together. It was when I had to leave that things began to spin out of control. It is weird, to say the least. It is weird not to have you around all the time, it is weird to not be able to touch you, to see you and God I miss you. My tear-soaked pillow would testify to that.

All of a sudden, nothing seemed to be right. I am a stranger in this world that seems all too foreign and alien and I trudge through the days drugged and sick to my stomach. Sleeping became an unfamiliar concept, so did eating and breathing. The only thing in the entire world that made sense right now was crying. And even though it in no way made things any better - it fact, it might even have exacerbated things - there is a raw and barbarous joy in crying. And it is the closest thing to happiness these days.

I miss you. Every single cell in my body screams it. The 13000 kilometers between us is palpable - I could breathe it in the air.

I miss you. You ruined me. I miss you. I love you.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

just saying

i don't want to make any promises but i might start writing here again soon.